November New Moon

Tonight’s New Moon is in Scorpio and I can already feel a sense of renewal. I spent the night before reflecting on some aspects of my life that I desire to change and found myself looking at the situations quite matter-of-factly. I starting thinking with a proactive attitude on how I could initiate change. The Universe is always going to give back what it receives, and I can see quite clearly now that the ‘rut’ I felt I was in, was quite simply the giving and returning of the very same, negative energy. How could I expect any of my goals to come into fruition if I wasn’t showing the Universe that I was willing to put in the work? I guess you could say the New Moon ignited this passion within me, that I thought had burnt out. I feel particularly motivated with the knowledge that this particular New Moon is in Scorpio, and the all or nothing attitude that comes along with the sign made me ask that very question… All or nothing? Do I want to put in the work or do nothing? Do I want to achieve all my goals or none of them? Am I going to give it my all or give nothing? This might not the best way to handle every situation but at this point in my life, those were the questions I needed to be asking. And the answer was simple; all. So this morning I woke up feeling utterly inspired. I decided to be as productive as possible today, deep cleaning my space, developing a posting schedule for both my blog and YouTube (which will have content back on it on Monday), writing this very blog post… and let me tell you I can already feel myself reaping the benefits already. Tonight I will be experiencing my first New Moon ritual and I feel immense amounts of hope, gratitude and love as I explore more goals and dreams of mine. I feel strong and able to truly go after what I want in life and I can see the light at the end of what has felt like a very dark, desolate tunnel.

Please know that if you are going through a tough time, you do have the power to make a change and you are a beautiful being on this earth. If you have the chance, take the time tonight to think about what you dream of and take a step (even if it’s a baby step) towards your goal. Who knows what beauty may lay ahead… xx

Love & Light

-Mena ❤

Life Update

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Wait a minute… I don’t use an alarm clock and even if I did, chances are I’d sleep through it.

Yawn. Stretch.

Another sleepless night… shit.

Sip. Sip. Sip.

Close my eyes and pretend this coffee is water. Ask myself why I keep doing this to myself.

Anxiety spikes. 

Resume life.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Food is done. Turn off the microwave. Pretty sure some stuff happened between this and my coffee. It’s a blur.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

That phone screen is bright. Debate getting off social media. Remembers I sometimes like it… stays on and resumes incessant blinking.

AHHHHH!

Is that a spider? Nope, it’s a hairball. Remy, are you shedding? Wait – is that my hair? Hm… let’s call it Remy’s hair anyways.

Beep.

Camera recording. Talking on camera still weirds me out. I never know what to sa- wait… that IS a spider!

AHHHHHH!

Rolled up in a ball, while I debate on potential names FOR my unwanted third roommate…. because the vegan voice in my head refuses to harm him. I dub thee… Sir Spidercus…

The Office theme song plays…

Reached Season 7 Episode 8 in an obscenely short amount of time. Thank you Netflix.

Hahahaha.

You thought I was laughing at The Office? No, I’m laughing at the idea of me actually getting sleep tonight.

Hahahaha. 

Now I’m laughing at the Office.

fin.

 

 

 

 

 

Common Senses

Speak to me

Not select parts

That deem me ‘weak’

Hear me

When I speak

And when I say,

“I am okay”

It’s not a facade

To find peace

In the face of adversity

See me

Not my confines

But the living soul within

In a world where

There is no definitive definition

Open your eyes to possibility

Feel me

My heart beats

Just the same as yours

Taste

Your words

Before you speak

The unequivocal “cure”

Lay in the scope of society

And as the wheels go round

Life goes on

Please, Read This.

The news about Chester Bennington yesterday, really hit me hard. I feel this inclination to do something, anything at this point in time to help those who are suffering. Depression is real. Mental health issues can be so easily dismissed in the world we live in today. The pressures of society can sometimes feel too much to bear. It is easy to feel like we don’t belong. But I’m here to tell you… You do.

 

The past few years, I have been fighting depression. At first I didn’t even realize it was depression, to be quite honest. Doctors told me I was bi-polar. I hesitantly took to medication, and while I do believe that when you find the right  medication it can do wonders, the wrong medication can worsen things to an immeasurable degree.

 

This eventually led me to my first outpatient experience in therapy. The program taught me a lot and there was a noticeable difference in my overall demeanor. As soon as I felt on track again, I was eager to get back to my regular life. The problem is… that wasn’t the switch. The switch comes from within, and I was not there yet. I was not resuming the coping mechanisms I was taught and I was back to bottling up feelings. Sure enough, my problems resurfaced, even more intensely than the last time. I was admitted to the hospital because I couldn’t bear the feelings I felt, the life I lived… I was in agony. Feeling all too much and nothing, at the same time.

 

You may be wondering what was so bad in my life that made me feel this way. There is no answer to this question, because all in all, my life was pretty grand. There were and are so many blessings around me, and the difference between now and then, is that now I can see them. My ego created a story that led me to my own suffering, and if I let it, my own demise. I think one of the key things is to notice the separation between your ego and your being. The ego that’s creating all this pain and suffering within you, is not you. The ego that’s fighting you through the past and future, is not you. You, are right now.  If this sounds familiar to you, then maybe you have read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This book has inspired me in so many ways and has helped me work through my depression.

 

I am not saying that everyday I wake up feeling wonderful. I still have days (sometimes even a week or so) where I find myself sinking to that dark scary place again. But each time I am a little less scared. Sometimes I even carry a light with me. How? I guess you could say I found, the switch.

 

Here is a poem I wrote while I was hospitalized. This experience changed my life more than anyone will ever know. (Note: I do reference a nursery rhyme by John D Rockefeller in this poem called ‘A Wise Old Owl’. I do not claim that line to be my own, it was just a very significant quote that I incorporated in the midst of writing this poem.)

The Switch

Behind the fluff

The arts & crafts

Soul searching distraction

Time elapsed

The battle rages…  on

Behind watered down eyes

In unfamiliar places

Sharing your truths to unrecognized faces

Hear yourself say the words aloud

Voice trembles

Lip shakes

Tears dripping down your face

The battle rages… on

Behind cracked doors

When your mind gets quiet

And your own heartbeat – so loud

You can’t deny it

You hold the key

To the cage

Should you choose to release it

The battle rages… on

Behind every shadow

A story unfolds

And like “the wise old owl that lives in an oak”

You choose to listen

Listen without judgement

Nor with pity in your eyes

Listen with compassion

Open up your mind

There’s a lesson to be learned here

Nothing left to compromise

You look out your window and see cotton candy skies

The battle rages…

Take off your armor

Lay down your weapons

And stare the enemy straight in the eye –

Only to see your own reflection

You’re at war with yourself

Only you can decide

Can you find the will to survive?

The battle rages… off

 

 

Reliving this poem gives me a rush of emotion and suddenly I am back there again, but in a clearer and better state of my mind. While it pains me to see that I reached that point in my life, I realize that the experience was necessary and saved me from my ego. You should never be ashamed of asking for help. We are here on this earth to help one another. Trust me, I have spent much of my life relying on help due to my own physical challenges (but I’ll save that story for a future post). If you are going through a hard time, I hope this article helps you in some way. I truly believe this topic should be spoken about more, so I am doing my part. This isn’t an easy story to share but if this helps one person going through a hard time, I consider it entirely worth it.

 

Helpful Resources:

 

Crisis Text Line:

text ‘hello’ to 741741

 

National Suicide Hotline:

1-800-273-8255

 

Trevor Project

866-488-7386

or text ‘Trevor’ to 1-202-304-1200

 

Trans Life Line

877-565-8860

 

Quote of the Day: “What a liberation to realize that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” -Eckhart Tolle

 

Question of the Day: What is one thing you are grateful for?

Fireworks

Gather around

It’s about to begin

The summer night air has fallen

With all its star inhabitants

A captivated audience

Music plays

Flag silouettes

Dancing in the wind

And for a brief moment

All is silent

 
Until all at once

The sky speaks

And we find ourselves gazing up in wonder

Through the eyes of the naive

And in that brief moment

It all makes sense

Ventilation

Measure lengths

Of time and space

Bridge the gaps

Time elapse

The burden of knowing

I can hear Greed crowing

The connotation of ‘need’

The merciless feed

Insatiable means

Sacrificed identity

Buried next to originality

While Greed preys on the remaining parts of me
Breathe…
Bright screen

Dull reality

The Dreamer

When will you make your dreams a reality?

Perhaps when the stars align?

Or maybe when pigs begin to fly?

The tick tap of your sole

The irrelevance of time…

How will you make your dreams a reality?

Through the twiddle of your thumbs?

The unprecedented magic wand,

That leaves all fair and benign?

A cryptic fantasy

Where the restless dreamers never die

 

And in the stillness of the night,

Answer me this – without quiver;

What is the dreamer’s reality?

Utter Silence

Uttered words

Under her breath

Rise up in a cloud

Oh, look how they dance!

The letters jumbled

Her voice – mumbled

Figmented confidence; a distant echo in her head…
Disdainful eyes dart

The ‘clunk’ of her sunken heart

As it hits the bottom of her rib cage

Followed by a rush of regret

Trailing up her spine

Her jaw clenched.

Utter silence suits her best…

Inspiration Strikes

The past week or so…

My dreams were light

Almost blurry

Practically out of sight

Looking through foggy lenses

Leads one to restless nights

Until all of the sudden…

 

Inspiration strikes

 

I can’t tell you how it happened

Or how long it plans to stay

But I’ve learned time after time

It’s best to ride the wave

So when you’re feeling down

And your dreams are out of sight

Remember, when you least expect it…

 

Inspiration Strikes.

 

-Mena xx

 

Hello,

So if you read my entries, you may have noticed that my past couple posts had a rather negative connotation… While I by no means, want to spread negative feelings onto others, I want this blog to be that of a diary… In life there will be storms and while I may not like those sad or unpleasant feelings that come along with it, I find that the way I get through it best is by expressing myself on paper (or in this case, through my laptop). I hope that those kinds of posts aren’t too off-putting.  I want this blog to be as raw as possible. I am still meandering my way through things and trying to figure out what I want this blog to be, but I hope you enjoy my posts through the happy times and the harder ones as well. This week I have felt so renewed and inspired, perhaps the new solar year partakes in that feeling. I hope you enjoy this quick little poem, and I look forward to sharing more with you!