November New Moon

Tonight’s New Moon is in Scorpio and I can already feel a sense of renewal. I spent the night before reflecting on some aspects of my life that I desire to change and found myself looking at the situations quite matter-of-factly. I starting thinking with a proactive attitude on how I could initiate change. The Universe is always going to give back what it receives, and I can see quite clearly now that the ‘rut’ I felt I was in, was quite simply the giving and returning of the very same, negative energy. How could I expect any of my goals to come into fruition if I wasn’t showing the Universe that I was willing to put in the work? I guess you could say the New Moon ignited this passion within me, that I thought had burnt out. I feel particularly motivated with the knowledge that this particular New Moon is in Scorpio, and the all or nothing attitude that comes along with the sign made me ask that very question… All or nothing? Do I want to put in the work or do nothing? Do I want to achieve all my goals or none of them? Am I going to give it my all or give nothing? This might not the best way to handle every situation but at this point in my life, those were the questions I needed to be asking. And the answer was simple; all. So this morning I woke up feeling utterly inspired. I decided to be as productive as possible today, deep cleaning my space, developing a posting schedule for both my blog and YouTube (which will have content back on it on Monday), writing this very blog post… and let me tell you I can already feel myself reaping the benefits already. Tonight I will be experiencing my first New Moon ritual and I feel immense amounts of hope, gratitude and love as I explore more goals and dreams of mine. I feel strong and able to truly go after what I want in life and I can see the light at the end of what has felt like a very dark, desolate tunnel.

Please know that if you are going through a tough time, you do have the power to make a change and you are a beautiful being on this earth. If you have the chance, take the time tonight to think about what you dream of and take a step (even if it’s a baby step) towards your goal. Who knows what beauty may lay ahead… xx

Love & Light

-Mena ❤

Master of Disguise

Oh, master of disguise

What a big surprise

Everyday a new charade

Self expression – so it’s fine

 

Oh, master of disguise

Open and close your eyes

But if you look inside

Broken pieces misfit

And the pieces are her

Self love – so distant

 

Oh, master of disguise

Always chasing a new sunrise

Cover your tracks

Looking back

Self-conscious – and confined

 

Oh, master of disguise

Something beyond

That which the human eye can recognize

Not the mask in which you hide

But to the sublime

Being within

Self-awareness heightens – to the divine

 

And if you wonder where she went…

She never left

And if you wonder who she is…

She is Light.

bliss.

This morning while taking a shower I thought, I must find Bliss. Before I had the chance to ponder where Bliss could be hiding, my counterpart chimed “You don’t ‘find‘ Bliss, you feel it. Finding it suggests that it went away. It is here. Feel it.”

 

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The Sandglass

I turn on the sink and cup water in my hands before splashing it on my sandpaper skin. I rub in the cool sensation until I am no longer in my bathroom and the water tastes like salt. And as the waves crash against my skin by the force of Mother Nature herself, I am calm and loved. Flashbacks of my summer existence and the inexplicable bliss, like the sun kissing my cheeks and the ocean hugging my body. My, oh my. 

I start rubbing ‘Angels on Bare Skin’ between my fingers and it is no longer a face scrub but the gritty sand I’m standing in, and my face; the sand sculpture. Suddenly, I am the sculptor and the work of art, all at once. What a liberation!

In comes the tide, and my sand sculpture washes away. I feel the salty sea water spray my face, like a mist.

My eyes are closed and the sun is beating down on my face. The contrast of the warmth and the cool cream I rub against my skin is heavenly. I am balanced.

 

My eyes;  they open. My skin is clean. 

I feel Bliss caress my cheek.

Oh hey, I still exist!

Well, the title says it all friends

Here I am again

Spewing out potentially useless lines

Dipped with the slightest bit of irony

What a masterpiece!

Was that a stretch?

Probably, but then again I haven’t felt

Myself

In what you would call “a while”

A vague and seamless amount of time

That either has no track or the wind blew it away

But hey, that’s okay.

I still exist.

 

Seeking out answers

In the deep mist

On a mysterious ship

With no particular destination

How whimsical!

The rolling waves grow rapid

As my spirit gone vapid

MAN OVERBOARD!

Quick, let’s pull this boat ashore

Washed away…

Oh hey…

I still exist

 

Sitting in a room with two facets of me

The first what could’ve been, the second what could be

They allure words like ‘beauty’ and feign ‘reality’

We sit around a table with two guns in between

Look a little harder and this is what you’ll see…

They taunt and dance and ring around me

And attack at the slightest vulnerability

 

As I gradually fade…

And as my hands tremble and begin to dissipate

It’s either them or me

I squeeze my eyes shut and reach…

 

Oh hey,

I still exist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Update

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Wait a minute… I don’t use an alarm clock and even if I did, chances are I’d sleep through it.

Yawn. Stretch.

Another sleepless night… shit.

Sip. Sip. Sip.

Close my eyes and pretend this coffee is water. Ask myself why I keep doing this to myself.

Anxiety spikes. 

Resume life.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Food is done. Turn off the microwave. Pretty sure some stuff happened between this and my coffee. It’s a blur.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

That phone screen is bright. Debate getting off social media. Remembers I sometimes like it… stays on and resumes incessant blinking.

AHHHHH!

Is that a spider? Nope, it’s a hairball. Remy, are you shedding? Wait – is that my hair? Hm… let’s call it Remy’s hair anyways.

Beep.

Camera recording. Talking on camera still weirds me out. I never know what to sa- wait… that IS a spider!

AHHHHHH!

Rolled up in a ball, while I debate on potential names FOR my unwanted third roommate…. because the vegan voice in my head refuses to harm him. I dub thee… Sir Spidercus…

The Office theme song plays…

Reached Season 7 Episode 8 in an obscenely short amount of time. Thank you Netflix.

Hahahaha.

You thought I was laughing at The Office? No, I’m laughing at the idea of me actually getting sleep tonight.

Hahahaha. 

Now I’m laughing at the Office.

fin.

 

 

 

 

 

Common Senses

Speak to me

Not select parts

That deem me ‘weak’

Hear me

When I speak

And when I say,

“I am okay”

It’s not a facade

To find peace

In the face of adversity

See me

Not my confines

But the living soul within

In a world where

There is no definitive definition

Open your eyes to possibility

Feel me

My heart beats

Just the same as yours

Taste

Your words

Before you speak

The unequivocal “cure”

Lay in the scope of society

And as the wheels go round

Life goes on

Please, Read This.

The news about Chester Bennington yesterday, really hit me hard. I feel this inclination to do something, anything at this point in time to help those who are suffering. Depression is real. Mental health issues can be so easily dismissed in the world we live in today. The pressures of society can sometimes feel too much to bear. It is easy to feel like we don’t belong. But I’m here to tell you… You do.

 

The past few years, I have been fighting depression. At first I didn’t even realize it was depression, to be quite honest. Doctors told me I was bi-polar. I hesitantly took to medication, and while I do believe that when you find the right  medication it can do wonders, the wrong medication can worsen things to an immeasurable degree.

 

This eventually led me to my first outpatient experience in therapy. The program taught me a lot and there was a noticeable difference in my overall demeanor. As soon as I felt on track again, I was eager to get back to my regular life. The problem is… that wasn’t the switch. The switch comes from within, and I was not there yet. I was not resuming the coping mechanisms I was taught and I was back to bottling up feelings. Sure enough, my problems resurfaced, even more intensely than the last time. I was admitted to the hospital because I couldn’t bear the feelings I felt, the life I lived… I was in agony. Feeling all too much and nothing, at the same time.

 

You may be wondering what was so bad in my life that made me feel this way. There is no answer to this question, because all in all, my life was pretty grand. There were and are so many blessings around me, and the difference between now and then, is that now I can see them. My ego created a story that led me to my own suffering, and if I let it, my own demise. I think one of the key things is to notice the separation between your ego and your being. The ego that’s creating all this pain and suffering within you, is not you. The ego that’s fighting you through the past and future, is not you. You, are right now.  If this sounds familiar to you, then maybe you have read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This book has inspired me in so many ways and has helped me work through my depression.

 

I am not saying that everyday I wake up feeling wonderful. I still have days (sometimes even a week or so) where I find myself sinking to that dark scary place again. But each time I am a little less scared. Sometimes I even carry a light with me. How? I guess you could say I found, the switch.

 

Here is a poem I wrote while I was hospitalized. This experience changed my life more than anyone will ever know. (Note: I do reference a nursery rhyme by John D Rockefeller in this poem called ‘A Wise Old Owl’. I do not claim that line to be my own, it was just a very significant quote that I incorporated in the midst of writing this poem.)

The Switch

Behind the fluff

The arts & crafts

Soul searching distraction

Time elapsed

The battle rages…  on

Behind watered down eyes

In unfamiliar places

Sharing your truths to unrecognized faces

Hear yourself say the words aloud

Voice trembles

Lip shakes

Tears dripping down your face

The battle rages… on

Behind cracked doors

When your mind gets quiet

And your own heartbeat – so loud

You can’t deny it

You hold the key

To the cage

Should you choose to release it

The battle rages… on

Behind every shadow

A story unfolds

And like “the wise old owl that lives in an oak”

You choose to listen

Listen without judgement

Nor with pity in your eyes

Listen with compassion

Open up your mind

There’s a lesson to be learned here

Nothing left to compromise

You look out your window and see cotton candy skies

The battle rages…

Take off your armor

Lay down your weapons

And stare the enemy straight in the eye –

Only to see your own reflection

You’re at war with yourself

Only you can decide

Can you find the will to survive?

The battle rages… off

 

 

Reliving this poem gives me a rush of emotion and suddenly I am back there again, but in a clearer and better state of my mind. While it pains me to see that I reached that point in my life, I realize that the experience was necessary and saved me from my ego. You should never be ashamed of asking for help. We are here on this earth to help one another. Trust me, I have spent much of my life relying on help due to my own physical challenges (but I’ll save that story for a future post). If you are going through a hard time, I hope this article helps you in some way. I truly believe this topic should be spoken about more, so I am doing my part. This isn’t an easy story to share but if this helps one person going through a hard time, I consider it entirely worth it.

 

Helpful Resources:

 

Crisis Text Line:

text ‘hello’ to 741741

 

National Suicide Hotline:

1-800-273-8255

 

Trevor Project

866-488-7386

or text ‘Trevor’ to 1-202-304-1200

 

Trans Life Line

877-565-8860

 

Quote of the Day: “What a liberation to realize that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.” -Eckhart Tolle

 

Question of the Day: What is one thing you are grateful for?

Mystic Aquarium

Last night was so amazing.

“Why?” You may ask…

 

My best friend and I took a trip to the Mystic Aquarium to partake in the South African Wine Dinner. This is an event they offer to support the conservation, education, and research of African penguins; an endangered species.

I had never been to the Mystic Aquarium before. My best friend had visited, but never participated in any of the events. Needless to say, we were both incredibly excited. It was about a two hour drive, but the time went by seemingly fast.

When we arrived there were far more people than we anticipated. The line to the front door was pretty long. We all waited eagerly to get inside, as the staff finished setting up for the event. I couldn’t help but think how cool it all was; we were going to an aquarium after hours!

The doors opened and we all filed in. As we were walking, we saw a beluga whale pop it’s head up from the water. I had never been to an aquarium this big (or even with an outdoor portion for that matter) so when my friend pointed this out to me, I was pretty much floored.

When we got inside, the first notable guests that we were greeted with were two African penguins! Two staff members told us all about them and it was amazing to see them up close.

 

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Now if you think that’s cool… imagine getting to pet one!

 

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They instructed us to pet the center of the penguins back, not the head. The feeling of the penguin’s back was strange. I can’t really pinpoint what the texture was like, let alone convey it correctly in writing. All I can say is that petting a penguin put a smile on my face that remained the whole night. Even now, reminiscing, I feel the excitement from last night building up once more.

 

In addition to meeting the guests of honor, there were so many cool creatures to check out in the room. We saw jellyfish, stingrays, sharks, eels, seahorses, crabs, a turtle… so many kinds of fish! I felt like a kid again as I looked at each tank in awe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

While the food and wine was wonderful (I even managed to find things my vegan self could eat!), I can’t stress enough how being in a room filled with so much life, made my heart soar.

 

The only thing that made the night better, was when we were walking out and saw that our whale friend was still there, poking his head up… We then heard the most magical sound; a beautiful call that was the most perfect “goodnight” I have ever received.

 

Quote of the Day: “Ocean is more ancient than the mountains, and freighted with the memories and the dreams of time.” – H.P. Lovecraft

 

Question of the Day: What is the best experience you’ve had so far in 2017?

 

 

 

24th Birthday

Last weekend I celebrated my 24th birthday. Before I go into the actual day, let me rewind so you can get a good sense of my mindset leading up to the big day.

 

Earlier in the week I was in what may be considered a state of shock.

 July? It’s June… uh… wait a minute… shit-zus are a breed of dogs… yep it’s definitely July… Well, it was nice knowing you summer…. 

 

Then after the initial shock set in, I guess you’d call my next phase; a state of skepticism. Not because I think there’s anything wrong with the number 24, but because it seemed ‘strange’ to me. Maybe there was some sort of miscount? 

 

Now the next stage is a bit painful to really bring up, because it’s not even remotely funny. I felt this sense of utter dread at the mere thought of my birthday. I can’t quite tell you why. I woke up the day before my birthday consumed by anxiety and panic, and it remained much of the day. I was crying uncontrollably and insisted that I did not want to celebrate tomorrow whatsoever.

 

The following morning I woke up and the world was new. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but if you could’ve put yourself in my shoes and felt the drastic emotional shift, well… you’d probably be saying the same thing. I wouldn’t say that I necessarily woke up with any sort of pep, more so with an open-minded attitude that today just might not suck (I know, how poetic…). This feeling then evolved into something so incredibly happy and bubbly, it’s as if the song Wouldn’t It Be Nice by The Beach Boys was playing on repeat in my head the entire day.

 

I started off taking a trip to the thrift store with my mom, a favorite pastime of mine to say the least. I found a rad dark-wash, beautifully faded, jean jacket and a Stevie Wonder album! Everytime I take a trip to the thrift store it’s like a treasure hunt and gives me all the good vibes my vintage soul desires.

 

When we arrived back home, my nephew came over. I got to spend the whole day with him, which is always a fun time. We watched The Office, played a riveting game of UNO and just had an all around, chill time. He’s honestly one of my favorite people on the planet, and one of the few pains in my butt that I welcome into my life willingly. 😛

 

That night, my mom came down to my humble abode to tell me that my sister had a surprise for me. Now keep in mind, I did not expect any sort of birthday cake. A few months ago I went vegan, and while I know there’s plenty of delicious recipes on the wild web, I thought we had agreed to have these amazing vegan ice cream sandwiches my sister had picked up at Trader Joes (expect a blog post on those magical treats very soon). Turns out, my sister went above and beyond and baked me an incredibly delicious chocolate vegan cake, with vegan chocolate chips and powdered sugar sprinkled on top. I feel that I can’t even put the magic into words… I was in chocolate heaven. I would’ve taken a picture of it, but I was far too busy stuffing my face.

 

Now maybe you’re thinking my day doesn’t sound like anything too extravagant, and that’s because technically it wasn’t; but it was honestly everything to me. I got to celebrate with family, have some good laughs, do some of my favorite things… I couldn’t have asked for a better day and I am so grateful to have experienced such a gift.

 

Quote of the day: “This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.” -Maya Angelou

Question of the day: What is one beautiful thing that happened to you today?